My Marketing: Humor Me

Thursday, April 24, 2014 - 12:53

I don’t have a big marketing department backing me up with tons of leads every month. I have been in the mortgage industry more than 20 years and rely mainly on word of mouth. Word of mouth is the cheapest form of advertising and I am the cheapest form of loan officer. Like mushrooms, I am a fun guy (fungi.) Life without whimsy is…, well, you might as well work for a bank. I found that if my marketing was not funny, people just didn’t bother reading it. Now my old customers tell me they look forward to my advertising. If they read it, they read my name and remember what I do for a living. That is whole purpose of drip advertising. If you are not doing this already, you are a moron. Here is a starter kit to get you going. Of course, change them to your personality, if you are not a fat, balding Jewish guy like me.
Three great rabbis were talking …
Three great rabbis were discussing at what point life really begins. The first rabbi said, “At conception.” The second rabbi disagreed and said, “At birth.” But the third rabbi, probably the wisest sage of them all, said, “Life begins when your children grow up and move out of your house.”
Introducing a NEW, EXCITING mortgage program exclusively made to “get your kids out of the house.”
“Never” and “Always”
NEVER sell life insurance to possum.
They are ALWAYS playing dead.
NEVER lend money to a guy named Waldo.
When it is time to collect, you are ALWAYS playing “Where’s Waldo?”
NEVER do business with Lions and Cheetahs
They are ALWAYS lying and cheaters.
NEVER take a shower with a shark.
They ALWAYS take your Head and Shoulders.
ALWAYS call Eric first when considering buying or refinancing.
He will NEVER steer you wrong.
The best advice
The best advice I ever got from my father was, “Buy real estate when both prices and interest rates are low.”
The WORST advice I ever got from my father was: “Pull my finger.”
Seriously, we are at the perfect storm right now with mortgage rates low and real estate prices near rock bottom. If you are a real estate investor looking to buy a rental, a potential new homebuyer or have just not got around to refinancing yet (unbelievable!), now is the time.
Buying a house or refinancing can be a significant financial transaction. I have been doing this for 20 years, have a proven success record and am someone you can trust to advise you with the right decisions.
We have Green Mortgages
With environmental safety on everyone’s mind, I just wanted to remind you that our mortgages are eco-friendly. No dolphins were harmed in the making of our loans. All paper used in our mortgages are from old and sick trees which would have died anyway.
Our processing is gluten-free
All rates are organically grown with NO junk fee fertilizers added! Eleven out of 10 borrowers agree … Eric is the BEST loan officer! Our rates have LOW fat content. All fixed-rate mortgages are microwave and dishwasher safe. None of our FHA loans contain lead paint. Made in the USA!
Seriously, this is just a reminder you have a friend in the mortgage industry to help you with all your financing needs!
Alive and kicking
Never ask a zombie to give you a hand, especially when it comes to mortgages. The undead tend to make notoriously bad mortgage loan officers. They are slow, don’t really give good advice and when they hold your hand during the loan process, they tend to nibble on your fingers (literally biting the hand that feeds them). I, on the other hand, have been alive my whole life. I have been in the mortgage industry over 20 years, have handled thousands of real estate transactions.
Now that the holidays are over, if you are interested in buying a new home (or know someone who is), I can help discuss financing options, explain closing costs, go over monthly payments and search the variety of programs available.
If you are looking for someone LIVELY, and DEADicated to helping you, I am here. I am nicer, smarter and more hygienic then any Walking Dead loan officer you will find at your local bank. Give me a call. I am here to help.
Tradition
Every New Years, my wife would make a turkey dinner for the family. As tradition, she would cut off both the front end and back end of the turkey. One year, my daughter asked her why she did this. She said, she didn’t know, but her mother always had done it that way. So we called her mother up, and asked her why. Her mother said, she didn’t know either, but HER mother had always done it that way, too. So we called my wife’s grandmother and asked her. Grandma said, when they were living in Poland, the oven was too small to fit the entire turkey in, so they had to cut off both ends to make it fit it in the oven.
So … next time you are thinking about buying a house or are considering a refi, don’t just go to the bank where you have your checking account. Call me.

Eric Weinstein worked in banking, on the commercial real estate side until 1991, when he fell in love with residential lending. In 1995, he started a small mortgage company in his basement called Carteret Mortgage Corporation, which in 2003, grew to one of the largest mortgage broker companies in the United States. These days, Eric is semi-retired, doing mortgages by referral only. As he likes to put it, “He is either saving people money per month or helping them buy a new home. What a great job!” He may be reached by phone at (703) 505-8692 or e-mail eweinstein4u@gmail.com.

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