As a self-acknowledged expert in the mortgage industry, it is my firm belief that the world will come to an end on Dec. 21, 2012. I came to this realization after studying such market indicators as the Dow Jones Industrial Average, the Mayan Calendar, the Prophecies of Nostradamus, the Bible code and the number of vowels in the word “Obama.” Notice how when you take out the vowels, all you are left with is “BM.” Every sixth grader knows those are the initials for how the economy is doing right now. So, as a loan officer, what does this mean for you and your family in this most uncertain End of Days?
In times of panic, it is well known that people tend to invest in safe mediums such as gold and U.S. Treasuries. While, I have my investments in rice, guns and a well constructed hole in the ground, I can certainly respect the investing strategy of my peers. Real estate, however, should not be overlooked. Prices have declined to the point where borrowers normally frozen out of the market due to low wages can now afford to buy. We are on the cusp of another buying boom. It will not be long before my secluded wilderness fortress is overrun by first-time homebuyers, nail salons and Verizon FIOS installers. Hence, the guns … part of my equation.
Mortgage rates will also continue to drop, due to the slow economic growth, the lack of inflation and a surplus of waterfront properties on the world market due to global warming and the ice caps melting. Having your home “underwater” will have new meaning once the seas consume the land.
This will be helped further as the International Monetary Fund (IMF), under the United Nation’s benevolent military leadership, moves us to a “one world currency” and the anti-Christ reveals himself. Imagine how the phones will ring when rates hit one percent on a 30-year fixed-rate the day after 100,000 headless horsemen scourge the earth. Of course, good luck locking in, your account executive will be on vacation that week and the fax lines will be jammed.
It has been scientifically proved, on the anointed day, the earth, sun and center of the galaxy will align as it does once every 15,000 years. The last time this happened, the Dow Jones was at zero, caves were a surplus on the market, the prime rate was at negative three and Merrill Lynch executives refused their bonuses. It is well known that on that cycle, the earth’s poles shift, north becomes south, and Chinese kids digging a deep hole reach America, rather than the other way around. Count on shifting poles causing changes in magnetic fields and throwing off annual percentage rate calculations, since no one knows how to do them by hand anymore. Even worse than predicted, the earth’s rotation may even reverse itself. Then day would be night, night, day and American Idol would be on at 4:00 a.m. Borrowers, however, will continue to call you while you are sleeping and ask, “What’s the rate, now?”
Yet, the market is a strong organism and is able to rebound. Civilization will survive, in one form or another and a mini-boom is bound to begin any quarter now. One just needs the staying power to weather the ensuing gamma ray radiation from the black hole in the center of the universe and the spontaneous combustion of all living matter on the planet. Remember, the market works in cycles, much like a tornado in the Wizard of Oz. You may lose your home, but look at the nice shoes you pick up.
Naysayers discount the increased number of buyers that will be caused when zombies and vampires gain equal rights, the ability to purchase property and are allowed to adopt. Of course, plan on yet another disclosure in the loan package, this one requiring a droplet of blood next to the bar code. But still, it is a small price to pay for more first-time homebuyers in a slow economy.
What is going on now is called “The Rapture,” when good jobs disappear and go to Heaven, and us remaining sinners are left to suffer the seven years of Obama Tribulations. If you read the blogs, you already can see famine, war, earthquakes and locust infestations devastating the world.
Alas, until our Father’s army defeats Satan’s demon hordes, there will be nothing left for us to do but agonize through this, hunker down and watch out for Andrew Cuomo’s flaming new appraisal guidelines from the sky. There will be nothing left but prayer and repentance for the faithful, as the demonic regulators reap carnage throughout the land proudly displaying the “666” tattooed on their forehead. There will be nothing left for us but foreclosures and short sales, but hey, it’s a living.
Don’t bother complaining, as our tiny planet hurdles through space where no one can hear you screaming. We are but a tiny grain of sand, on a desert planet among billions of solar systems in billions of galaxies. Our fate is held in the hands of powers we cannot even imagine. Comic forces control our destiny. The best we can say is, “We had a good run while it lasted,” turn out the lights and wait for the next evolutionary species to take over. Personally, I am rooting for a Planet of Apes. It will be a tough call, whether the politicians or the apes can throw the most feces.
As for me, I will just sit in my hole, surrounded by rice, continuing to scribble out 1003s for buyers “just looking” and refinancing neighbors who have no hope of qualifying. You may ask, “What is the square root of Y squared?” Why? Because I don’t know how to do anything else … do you?
Eric Weinstein may be reached at (703) 505-8692.
