Master The Art Of Schmoozing

“Schmoozing is such a good Yiddish word that people have adopted,” said Julie Thum, Brooklyn-based Realtor and broker. “I’m always schmoozing … but in a good way. I’m not schmoozing to sell myself. I’m schmoozing to build relationships with people.”

There’s plenty of advice on the internet about how to improve social skills; some is good and some is bad. But here is some legitimate advice from psychologists and psychotherapists to help the anxious LO break from their shell, along with some experienced real estate agents who are tired of seeing LOs make the same networking mistakes.

Ignore The Tiger

Social fears likely come from insecure and incorrect assumptions about one’s self. Am I being annoying? Am I coming off as awkward? Am I going to embarrass myself? I’m no good at small talk. What if we have nothing in common? These thoughts only lead people to believe they’ve already failed before they even tried.

“That can be just anxiety’s way of trying to get us to avoid the situation,” said California clinical psychologist Maria-Christina Stewart. “It’s this fight, flight, or freeze response that we can have … like a tiger’s about to bite us.”

Stewart works with a variety of patients including executives from a plethora of industries who need guidance when it comes to general anxiety, social anxiety, or even just anxiety related to their careers.

“When we get into these anxious situations … the mind will give us thoughts that are quite distorted. Like people are gonna think, ‘I’m stupid.’ People that are socially anxious very often think everybody’s thinking about them, right?” said Stewart, “But, frankly, they’re not thinking about other people. Rather, they’re probably thinking the same thoughts about themselves.”

Crowd Fear

“The problem of being shy in a crowd is a problem for many, and I have been to many events where mortgage folks and real estate agents will stare at their phone or talk to the one person they know,” said Robert Thompson, a career coach and long-time real estate agent with Allison James Estate & Homes, based in Alexandria, Virginia.

This is a typical fear response that does nothing to help build new connections. Given the tough market environment, loan officers and brokers are chasing down Realtors, financial managers, and any referral partners they can find to build up their referral network. Now is not the time for holding back.

“I tell my clients that honesty is the best policy,” Thompson said. “If you walk up to a stranger and tell them you are nervous, most people will try to make you comfortable. They will see and respect how honest you are.”

Most of the time, when that tiger comes out, the socially anxious person will run and hide. To avoid failure or embarrassment, some loan officers and brokers go right into their rehearsed sales pitch as if they’re doing a cold call. “Hi, my name is John Doe and I have X years of experience in the industry, work with a wide variety of lenders, and have access to a variety of loan products …”

According to Thum, there’s nothing that people hate more than a hard pitch. “A hard sell never works,” Thum said. “People don’t like that. I get random calls all the time from LOs. I had one the other day, and I didn’t just hang up on him. Normally I do. I’ll say, ‘I have like four that I work with,’ then say, ‘Thank you, don’t bother me anymore.’”

Instead of cold-calling people, loan originators should try getting more involved in their communities. Thum, for example, is on the local community board, runs a fundraiser for cancer research from her office, and dabbles as state political coordinator for her local senator. She does plenty of things outside the scope of real estate where she can meet lots of people.

“It’s good to get involved in community things also because people get to know you that way,” Thum said. “Then you could end up doing business with them that way, too, because they already know you on a different level.”

Again, no hard pitches! It’s better for loan originators to casually mention their profession during conversations — slyly weave it in, said Thum. She suggested this approach: “Oh, what do you do? Oh, well I’m a loan officer with XYZ mortgage, so if you know anybody looking to move or needs help with their mortgage, just let me know.”

Navigating Network Events

Socially anxious loan originators dread networking events or work events of any kind. Walking into them and mixing with a sea of people engaged in conversations with others can be intimidating for anyone.

Most likely, the loan originator has set expectations to make as many connections as possible, or a goal to speak with every person there. After all, this is a tough market, and loan originators are willing to do whatever it takes to secure more referral partners, gain more clients, or learn from their peers. But Dr. Stewart says that might be too much pressure for a socially anxious person.

“Having one meaningful connection is going to be much more useful long term than having spoken to many people that then forget about you,” Stewart said. “Instead think, ‘I’m gonna show up here and see what kind of connections I can make.’ So then the networking event isn’t any different than how we’re showing up at any other point in our day. We’re looking for meaningful connections.”

Don’t be the person that shows up and has short, meaningless conversations with people just to hand them a business card. The only thing that accomplishes is the disheartening sight of left-behind business cards littered across tables.

Furthermore, introverts may think they have no advantages when it comes to public social events, but that’s not true. Introverts have a natural inclination to be better observers, according to psychotherapist Valentina Dragomir, founder of PsihoSensus Therapy. And this is especially important while schmoozing.

“Paying attention to the body language of the other person can help you determine if someone is interested in your conversation or not,” Dragomir said. “This can give an insight into how they are connecting with the topic on hand and how confident they are while speaking up. This can help you adjust your pitch accordingly, change your topic or end the conversation if necessary.”

Schmooze, Not Booze

Speaking of social awareness, it’s best to avoid consuming too much alcohol at these events. One or two drinks can help the Nervous Nelly relax a bit more, but too much can make one seem unprofessional.

“Know if alcohol will help or hurt you during the event,” said Melissa Kaekal, licensed professional counselor and creative director at Morgan Hill Institute, based in Port Charlotte, Florida. “More than two drinks will reduce critical thinking and lead to poor professionalism. If you don’t want to drink for any reason, don’t. Peer pressure still exists even after high school, but, thankfully, we’re better able to hold to our integrity.”

Rather than using alcohol or a cell phone as a crutch in these situations, Stewart suggests bringing a friend or coworker. Turning to a friend instead of a phone is much better. If someone is on their phone, they seem too busy to talk or disinterested in what’s happening around them, making them look unapproachable. Having a friend, however, is a good distraction and will not turn off others from joining conversations.

Mastering The One-On-One

The loan originator sits at a diner booth, staring into the eyes of a client they need to impress. This originator may be wonderfully intelligent and experienced in the industry, but doesn’t know how to articulate this. They fumble their words, then clamp their mouth shut. Sweat starts to bead around the forehead, and internal chastisement takes place for sounding awkward, causing the nervousness to spiral out of control. That’s the nightmare every shy originator thinks about.

So, how can loan originators avoid this scenario from happening?

In Thum’s experience, she would typically invite those who already know and trust her. The ones that have referred her to their friends or family are the ones who get special treatment. For the anxious loan originator, Thum suggests not inviting a random person for coffee or lunch. It will be much harder to overcome nervousness.

Furthermore, the loan originator should not immediately dive into business after exchanging hellos. Instead, ask questions such as how is your family? How have you been? Did you hear about so-and-so on the news today? This is a people business, so act like a real person. In most cases, it’s the client that brings up real estate, Thum said, so she doesn’t have to.

“How’s the market? They always wanna know. And, of course, I’ll discuss it with them. But I try to talk about everything else,” Thum said.

Another dreaded what-if scenario is what if the conversation comes to an awkward pause or kind of dies off? How do you fill the silence?

First, don’t fear the silence. Only awkward people think it’s awkward. Use the pause to regroup and think of another topic. If it’s hard to think on the fly, then a good strategy might be to plan conversation topics ahead of time, so they’re always in the back pocket.

“One thing that could be helpful is reading the newspaper that morning before you go to see if anything interesting happened or if anything is relevant to this conversation,” Dr. Stewart said. “You run into this awkward pause and then the person says, ‘By the way, I know this is so off topic, but did you see that blank happened?’”

But if the anxious originator did not have time to prepare conversation starters or simply needs a moment alone to regroup, go to the bathroom. This is an easy out that allows the originator some time to think or look up current events on their phone, and then return to the table with renewed confidence.

“They’ve told you something, so then you can look it up. Because the more you can circle back to something they’re interested in and get them talking about that — especially if it’s something you’re interested about too — that’ll help build that connection,” Dr. Stewart said.

Practice, Practice, Practice!

Sure, cold calls may work from time to time, but in between those good calls are people who respond rudely or immediately hang up. That’s why networking events and individual meetings are better for building long-term, genuine connections.

So what are some other ways originators can connect with referral partners? Thum recommends joining a local Business Network International (BNI) chapter just as she did. BNI America hosts networking events all over the country.

“I have a guy in my chapter who’s an auto body collision guy,” Thum said. “He’s been in the chapter for like 14 years or something. At first, he was extremely shy, and so nervous to get up in front of people. And we always had our business meetings every Wednesday in person. When he had to give his 10-minute presentation, he was a nervous wreck. I was like, ‘Don’t worry, it’s just us.’ You know what I mean? ‘It’s OK if you make a mistake or whatever.’ And it really helped him.”

For those who may need more than a few tips and need to seriously practice talking to people in person, joining a BNI chapter may be the best way to go. These chapters are comprised of people across various industries who may be able to lend unique advice and allow originators to form new connections that are out-of-the-box for the typical mortgage professional.

“Every week you have a 60-second infomercial and you’re basically referring business to one another on a weekly basis,” Thum explained. “The referrals can come from anywhere besides your own chapter.”

Networking groups and volunteer work in the community are simply ways to get in front of more people. That’s what all this is about. Originators can practice anywhere they go. On the subway, at the grocery store, at a local park — any public place works. After learning to strike up conversations with strangers and engage in some small talk, their confidence will improve.

It’s hard to know how easy it can be for those that don’t try.