Skip to main content

Confidence And Self-Respect Through Conflict

Find The Rainbow In The Clouds

Tina Asher
Tina Asher
Confidence and self-respect through conflict

This past month has been nothing short of a challenge for me. Our family experienced a couple of deaths and some family conflict causing me to reflect and re-align.

I’m happy to start a new month with renewed insights and revelations. Through these unforeseen events, I’ve chosen to look at these experiences as an opportunity to learn and grow.

In this month’s article, we look at where conflict has occurred in your life and discover where you can find the rainbow during your storm.

Question: Would you rather go to the dentist for a root canal or go to a friend and confront her with something that bothers you?

If you picked a root canal, you’re not alone. Most people will do anything to avoid conflict and all the accompanying feelings of anger and frustration. On the list of things people love to do, confrontation probably ranks lower than standing in line at the DMV or, yes, even oral surgery.

But conflict doesn’t have to be like that. Not only is conflict a normal part of life, but it can also be managed and even made into a positive jumping-off point for becoming a stronger and calmer person. Confronting someone — be it a business partner or a family member — and feeling that both of you “won” can be as exhilarating as jumping out of a plane. And in the case of conflict, your life-saving parachute is a set of tools that help you survive any encounter or conflict situation.

“In many ways, conflict can be productive,” writes Sam Deep, co-author of What to Ask When You Don’t Know What to Say. “Like a grain of sand in an oyster, it can produce ‘pearls’ by encouraging creative thinking, risk-taking and entrepreneurial spirit.”

It’s not unusual for most people to hate confrontation; in fact, it’s difficult for most people to skillfully handle any kind of conflict — at home or in the workplace. And yet, the benefits of doing so include more self-confidence, less anger, greater self-respect, and more intimacy, according to Tim Ursiny, author of The Coward’s Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run than Fight. His book outlines practical tips for dealing with conflict with family members, friends, and co-workers, including the following:

  • Focus on the upside. Conflict avoiders often perceive only the downside. They need to see the positive side of confronting someone.
  • Start by finding something that you both agree on (even if it’s only 1%).
  • Admit your role. If you are even partly at fault, be sure to acknowledge your mistake up front.
  • Don’t react with anger. This is vital! Realize that you might behave like the other person if you were in their shoes. Look objectively at your behavior as well as the other person’s.

Where there’s conflict, there’s usually anger. Yet it’s the angry reactions that often get in the way of a peaceful solution to a problem. Ursiny advises people to look beneath their anger.

“Anger is a secondary emotion,” he writes. “Many people — men in particular — react with anger when they’re really feeling shame, embarrassment, pain, frustration, fear, confusion, or helplessness. When you feel angry or find yourself in a conflict with someone who appears angry, pause and ask yourself why.”

Our pain can be our gain with the right perspective. What perspective will you bring to light?

This article was originally published in the Mortgage Women Magazine September 2022 issue.
Tina Asher
Tina Asher

Tina Asher is a coach and founder of Build U Up Consulting.

Published on
Sep 13, 2022
The Perils Of Lock And Shop

Locking in a rate can be a valuable tool

Tyna-Minet Anderson
The Perfect Storm

Understanding the current market

Chrissy Brown


Non-QM Will Save You and The Mortgage Industry

For 30 years, former Loan Officer and current President of ACC Mortgage watched companies explode and implode ...

Sep 23, 2022
Investor Confidence in Today’s Non-QM And Why Originators Are Paying Attention... A Virtual Town Hall

We host Angel Oak Mortgage Solutions for a special 2021 edition of their virtual town hall series they ran fro...

Apr 08, 2021
How to Help Real Estate Pros in a Post-Refi World

Hear from Melissa Merriman, REALTOR® with The Melissa Merriman Team at Keller Williams, on what real estate pr...

Mar 18, 2021
Suffolk County Data Breach Puts Contracts On Back Burner

Cyberattack beginning Sept. 8 prevents title services from closing loans.

Nominal House Prices And Overvalued Markets Increased

First American report states that, a year ago, only four markets were considered overvalued.

Analysis and Data
Fannie Mae Pilot Program Seeks To Help Improve Renters' Credit

Renters, including historically underserved groups, will benefit from paying on time each month.

Industry News
Connect with your local mortgage community.

Meet your your colleagues, both national and local, by attending an event in your area.